How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

My partner and I went years without really talking about sex. We would have it. Enjoy it usually. But actual conversations about what we wanted or what was not working. Those felt too awkward to start. When we finally did talk honestly it turned out we had both been wanting similar things and neither had said anything. Years of unnecessary silence.

Most couples struggle to talk openly about sex. It is vulnerable and potentially awkward and touches on insecurities. But couples who communicate about sex have better sex lives. Here is how to have these conversations.

Why It Is Hard

Several things make sex conversations difficult. Embarrassment because sex feels private and discussing it feels exposing. Fear of rejection because what if they think my desires are weird. Fear of hurting feelings because I do not want them to feel inadequate. Lack of vocabulary and not knowing how to express what you want. Cultural conditioning since many were taught sex is not discussed.

Avoiding these conversations leads to unmet needs and desires. Resentment building over time. Assumptions instead of understanding. Sexual problems going unaddressed. Declining intimacy.

When To Talk

Not during sex since it is hard to think clearly and too vulnerable for criticism. Not immediately after since emotions are high and defenses are down. During neutral time when you are relaxed and clothed and undistracted. When you are connected after a good day together and not during conflict.

Create the right setting. Private space without interruptions. Both people sober. Enough time to talk without rushing. Neither person exhausted or stressed.

Starting the Conversation

Start with what is working. I really love when we. That thing you do with feels amazing. Our sex life is important to me and I want to make it even better.

Frame things in terms of your experience. I would love to try rather than you never. I feel most turned on when rather than you should. I would like more rather than you do not give me enough.

Ways to start include can we talk about our sex life and I have some things I would love to share. I have been thinking about something I would like to try with you. I want to make sure you are enjoying our sex life and can we check in.

What To Discuss

Share what you want. Things you would like to try. Fantasies you are curious about. What turns you on. What you would like more of.

Positive feedback matters. Specific things they do well. What makes you feel desired. Favorite moments or experiences.

Constructive feedback includes things you would like adjusted. What would make experiences better. Needs that are not being met.

Frequency and timing. How often you each want sex. Best times whether morning or night. How to handle mismatched desire.

Boundaries. What you are not comfortable with. Hard limits. What you need to feel safe.

Giving Feedback

The sandwich method works well. Something you enjoy. What you would like different. Reaffirm your desire for them. For example I love when you touch me during foreplay. I would like more time before we move to penetration since it helps me get more aroused. I am so attracted to you and want to enjoy every moment.

Be specific since vague feedback is not actionable. I want more foreplay becomes I would love 10 to 15 more minutes of kissing and touching before sex. Be gentler becomes lighter touch on my nipples feels better for me. Do more things becomes I would love more oral sex and trying new positions.

This is what I like works better than you are doing it wrong. I respond more to slower movements. I get more aroused from. My body likes.

Receiving Feedback

When your partner shares feedback listen fully before responding. Do not take it as attack on your skills. Thank them for being honest. Ask clarifying questions.

Your partner telling you what they like is a gift. It is a roadmap to pleasing them better. They are not saying you are bad. They are helping you be great for them specifically.

Ask for more detail. Can you show me what you mean. Faster or slower than this. What would that look like.

Difficult Topics

If your desires do not match respect their boundary. Ask if there is a compromise or alternative. Do not pressure or guilt. Accept that some things will not happen.

Addressing issues like low desire or dysfunction requires compassion not blame. I have noticed and I want us to figure this out together. Focus on solutions not fault. Consider professional help if needed.

When one wants more than the other both needs are valid. Find a frequency both can accept. Understand it is about desire not rejection. Explore non intercourse intimacy.

During Sex

In the moment yes like that. A little slower. That feels amazing. Can you move your hand here.

Non verbal communication works too. Move their hand where you want it. Sounds of pleasure. Body movement responding to what works. Pulling them closer or shifting position.

Simple check in questions. Does this feel good. What do you want. More or less.

Building Habits

Do not wait for problems. Have periodic conversations about your sex life. How are things feeling for you lately. Celebrate what is going well. Address small issues before they grow.

When you try something new ask what did you think of that. Would you want to do that again. What would make it better next time.

The more you talk about sex the easier it gets. Start with easier topics. Build comfort over time. Make it part of your relationship culture.

When To Get Help

Consider a therapist if conversations consistently go badly. If there is significant sexual dysfunction. If past trauma affects intimacy. If you have tried and cannot resolve issues alone.

Sex therapy offers neutral space for difficult conversations. Professional guidance on communication. Exercises and homework to practice. Treatment for specific issues.

What This Comes Down To

Talking about sex gets easier with practice. The first conversation is hardest and each one after becomes more natural. Couples who communicate about sex understand each other better and have more satisfying experiences and feel closer overall.

Start small if needed. You do not have to have every conversation at once. But start. Your sex life and your relationship will be better for it.