First Time With My College Roommate

My roommate of nearly two years, when I look back on my sophomore year in college I still don't know what triggered the shift in me and Jake. Coming from a housing lottery, a business major from Ohio and a creative writing student from California wouldn't have been an obvious match-up, but they got it spot on.

Jake and I clicked right away, we bonded over our love of music, our sick sense of humor, and our inability to get enough sleep from staying up playing video games and arguing about whether aliens had visited Earth. Coming into our second year we asked to live together again without hesitation, and really knew each other's routines, little things and boundaries. He couldn't function without his morning coffee and I need silence when I'm working on a story. We'd fallen into a perfect harmony that made life in the dorm almost effortless.

Well-known as the party people, the rest of our floor had been talking about the Theta Chi "Blackout" party all week, a night that promised cheap beer and deafening music until the break of dawn. Most of them went to it, but neither of us was in the mood. Jake had just finished a grueling week of midterms and I was struggling with a creative block on my short story that was due Monday. The idea of cramping into a damp basement with a hundred rowdy strangers didn't sound very appealing.

We'd ordered pizza from Mario's instead, our usual large pepperoni with extra cheese, and cracked open a couple of beers we kept stashed in the mini-fridge behind the orange juice. Our RA was pretty chill but rules were rules and neither of us wanted to get written up over some Coronas.

Jake was lying on his bed across the room in just a gray tank top and black basketball shorts, sandy brown hair still wet from his shower after the gym. His desk lamp threw shadows across his face while he scrolled through Netflix trying to find something decent.

I was on my bed with my laptop open but not really looking at it, I kept catching myself noticing things about Jake that I'd been trying not to notice for months now. How his tank top pulled tight across his shoulders when he shifted around, the muscles in his forearms while he held his phone, that little hollow at his throat where a drop of water from his shower was still sitting there.

This had been happening a lot lately, me trying not to look at things. The way he'd bite his lip working through a hard problem set, that laugh of his that hit me somewhere in my chest, how he smelled coming back from the gym which wasn't bad just very much him.

I kept telling myself it was nothing, just admiring my best friend, something that didn't need thinking about too hard.

"Dude this movie is terrible," Jake laughed and threw a piece of popcorn at the screen where some B-horror thing was playing. It bounced off his laptop onto the sheets. "Why do we always end up watching garbage?"

"Your taste, not mine," I said back, glad for something to snap me out of my head. "You pick then, I'm not taking the blame for whatever that was."

He scrolled through Netflix forever, clicking into movies and backing out after reading the descriptions, then gave up with this big dramatic sigh. "Want to just talk instead? Feel like we haven't actually talked in weeks."

He wasn't wrong. Between his midterms and my shifts at the campus bookstore and his track practice and my writing workshops we'd barely crossed paths. Quick hey's in the morning, tired grunts at night, nothing real in between.

"Sure," I sat up against my headboard and closed my laptop, set it aside. "What's going on?"

Jake went quiet for a while just staring at the ceiling with this look I couldn't read. It was comfortable silence but there was something heavy in it too. When he finally talked his voice came out softer than normal.

"Can I ask you something personal? Like really personal?"

My heart sped up a little and I couldn't tell you why. "Yeah, course. You know you can ask me anything."

He sat up slow and swung his legs over the side of his bed facing me. In the dim light from the TV and desk lamp there was something vulnerable in his face, raw and uncertain, I'd never seen that on confident easy-going Jake before.

"Have you ever... thought about being with a guy?"

The question just sat there between us, heavy and impossible to pretend I didn't hear. My face went hot and I was grateful for the bad lighting maybe hiding how red I was getting.

"Why do you ask?" I got out, voice steadier than I expected with my pulse going crazy.

Jake ran a hand through his wet hair, nervous thing I'd seen him do a million times but never aimed at me before. "Because I have. A lot actually. Especially lately." He swallowed. "Especially about... someone specific."

My mouth dried up. I watched him watching me, dark eyes looking for something in my face, permission maybe or understanding, something.

"Yeah?" came out as a whisper.

He nodded slow and his expression changed, got more determined. "Never told anyone that. Not my friends from home, not my family, nobody. But you're my best friend Ryan. If I can't be honest with you about who I am then what's even the point?"

"You can," I said fast, words coming out before I could stop them. "You can always be honest with me about anything. I'd never judge you Jake. Never."

Some of the tension left his shoulders but he kept looking at me hard. "Have you? Thought about it I mean. Being with a guy."

I could have lied, laughed it off with some joke about not swinging that way, changed the subject to something safer and we could have gone back to watching shitty movies and pretending none of this happened.

But the way he was looking at me, hopeful and scared and brave at the same time, made me want to tell the truth for once. Maybe for the first time ever.

"Yeah," barely a whisper. "I have. More than I probably wanted to admit to myself."

Jake's eyes found mine across the little room and the air suddenly felt electric, like it was charged with something. "Anyone specific?"

My pulse was so loud in my ears I could barely think straight. Everything in me was screaming to deflect, protect myself, keep the walls up. But Jake had been brave enough to go first. Least I could do was meet him halfway.

"Maybe," I whispered. "Yeah. There's... someone."

He got up slow and crossed the few feet between our beds. Up close I could smell his shampoo, clean and kind of citrusy, something I'd gotten so used to I barely noticed anymore. Except now I was noticing everything. Every little detail felt sharper somehow. The stubble on his jaw, the way his chest moved with each breath, the heat coming off him as he sat on the edge of my bed.

Close enough our knees were touching. Close enough I could see the little flecks of gold in his brown eyes.

"Can I try something?" he asked, voice barely there. "You can tell me to stop. You can tell me no and we never have to talk about it again and I'll never bring it up and—"

"Yes," I cut him off before I could think too hard. "Whatever it is. Yes."

He leaned in slow, giving me every chance to pull back, change my mind, stop it before it started. When his lips finally touched mine something clicked into place that I hadn't even known was missing.

The kiss was soft at first, tentative and careful, figuring each other out. His lips were warm and a little chapped, nothing like I'd imagined kissing someone would feel like. Because I had imagined this, I realized right then. Late at night when I couldn't sleep, in those moments between waking up and dreaming. I'd imagined exactly this.

Then his hand came up to cup the back of my neck with his fingers threading through my hair and everything got more intense. The kiss deepened, got urgent. I made some sound I didn't recognize, half gasp half moan, and felt him smile against my lips.

I'd kissed girls before, a few times at high school parties and once or twice on awkward dates. It was fine, pleasant even, nothing wrong with it just... nothing that made me get what all the fuss was about.

This was something else completely. Fire and electricity and coming home all at once. Everything clicking into place after years of feeling like something was slightly off about me, like I was missing some piece of the human experience everyone else seemed to just get.

When we finally pulled apart we were both breathing hard. Jake's cheeks were flushed and his eyes bright, lips a little swollen.

"Holy shit," he breathed out.

"Yeah," because that pretty much covered it. "Holy shit."

He laughed, that warm familiar laugh I loved, and some of the tension broke. We were still us. Still Jake and Ryan, best friends and roommates. Just something more now too, something that had maybe always been there waiting for us to be brave enough to see it.

"So that was..." he started.

"Amazing," I finished. "That was amazing."

"Want to do it again?"

I pulled him back to me as an answer.

No hesitation this time. His mouth opened against mine and I tasted beer and pizza and something that was just Jake. His hands slid under my shirt, palms warm on my stomach, and I shivered even with all the heat building between us.

"This okay?" he murmured against my mouth.

"More than okay. Don't stop."

We shifted around on the narrow dorm bed until I was lying back on my pillows and he was over me. The weight of him, how his shoulders blocked out the dim light, it made my head spin in the best way. I reached up to touch his face, traced the line of his jaw, couldn't believe I was finally allowed to do this. That he wanted me to.

His hands moved over my chest, fingertips drawing patterns on my skin that left heat everywhere they went. When his thumb brushed over my nipple I gasped, my back came up off the bed without meaning to.

"Sensitive?" he asked with a little smile. There was wonder in his eyes like he couldn't believe this was really happening either.

"Apparently," I managed to get out. "I didn't know... no one's ever..."

"Me neither," he said. "We're figuring this out together."

He did it again watching my face close, clearly liking my reaction. Then he leaned down and put his mouth where his thumb had been and I forgot how to think.

The wet heat of his tongue, his teeth grazing lightly, it was overwhelming in the best possible way. My hand tangled in his damp hair holding him there, not wanting him to stop. He gave attention to one side then the other, hips pressing into mine the whole time in this slow maddening rhythm.

Through the thin fabric of our shorts I could feel how hard he was and he could definitely feel the same about me. Knowing he wanted this as much as I did, that his body was responding to mine the same way mine was responding to his, it was almost too much to handle.

"Jake," I groaned, wasn't sure if it was a plea or a warning.

He lifted his head, pupils blown wide. "Too much? We can slow down. We can stop if—"

"Don't you dare stop," I said pulling him up for another kiss. "I just... I want..."

"What?" he asked against my mouth. "Tell me what you want."

"Everything. I want everything."

He grinned, that cocky confident smile I'd seen a thousand times on the track and in class and across crowded dining halls. But now it was aimed at me, loaded with promise, and my stomach did things it had never done before.

He sat back on his heels and pulled his tank top off in one smooth motion. I'd seen Jake shirtless a million times, we were roommates after all. Changed in front of each other, walked to and from the showers, spent lazy Sundays hanging around half dressed.

But seeing him like this, shirtless in my bed and looking at me like he wanted to eat me alive, chest moving faster with each breath, was completely different. He was lean and toned from track with a light dusting of hair on his chest trailing down into his waistband. I wanted to follow that trail with my fingers. With my mouth.

"Your turn," voice rough.

I sat up and pulled my shirt off, suddenly self-conscious in a way I'd never been around him. But the way his eyes moved over me, appreciative and hungry, melted that away.

"You're really hot," he said like it was just a fact. "I've wanted to tell you that for so long. Every time you came out of the shower or stretched in the morning or just existed in this room... I wanted to tell you."

"You too," my voice caught. "God Jake, you too. I thought I was losing my mind."

He pushed me back down and kissed me again, skin against skin this time, chest to chest, the heat of him covering me. I could feel his heart pounding against mine going just as fast. We were in this together, whatever it was, whatever it was turning into, we were figuring it out side by side.

His mouth moved down my jaw, my neck, he found a spot right below my ear that made me moan way too loud and I felt him grin against my skin before doing it again, sucking a mark I'd have to hide with a high collar for days.

He kept going down my chest and stomach, kissing and licking and biting lightly, leaving fire everywhere he went. When he got to my waistband he stopped, looked up at me with a question in his eyes.

"Can I?" he asked.

Couldn't form words. Just nodded and lifted my hips to help as he pulled my shorts and boxers down slow. The cool air hit my overheated skin and I was suddenly completely exposed, harder than I'd ever been in my life, more vulnerable than I'd ever let myself be with anyone.

Jake looked at me like I was something precious. Something wanted. "Beautiful," he breathed and the word made my chest tight.

Then he wrapped his hand around me and I stopped thinking completely.

His grip was perfect, firm but not too tight, moving in a rhythm that had me gasping in seconds. So different from doing it myself, different from anything I'd ever felt. He knew what felt good because he knew his own body and that knowledge turned into pleasure building faster than I expected.

"Wait," I panted reaching for him. "I want... let me touch you too."

He got his shorts off fast and stretched out beside me on the narrow bed. Both of us naked now, facing each other, and I took a second just to look. He was thick and flushed with a bead of moisture at the tip that made my mouth water. I'd never looked at another guy like this before, never let myself really see. He was beautiful.

Reached for him tentatively at first, not sure of myself, but his low groan gave me confidence. We found a rhythm together, hands moving in sync, watching each other's faces in the low light. I noticed every expression that crossed his face, the furrow of his brow, his lips parting, eyelids fluttering when I twisted my wrist a certain way.

"This is so much better than I imagined," Jake gasped, hips pushing into my hand.

"You imagined this? About me?"

"All the time. Every night while you were sleeping ten feet away I was thinking about this. About you. Driving myself crazy wanting something I thought I could never have."

The thought of him lying there in the dark thinking about me while he touched himself, it pushed me dangerously close.

"Jake I'm getting close," I warned.

"Me too. Let's... together."

He shifted us so we were pressed together, both of us in his hand now, moving against each other. The friction and the heat and the slick slide of skin on skin, it was overwhelming. I buried my face in his neck breathing him in, felt his pulse racing under my lips.

"Look at me," he demanded, voice rough and urgent. "Ryan, look at me."

I met his eyes, those familiar brown eyes I'd looked into a thousand times across dining hall tables and study sessions and late night video game marathons. So much emotion there, desire yeah but also tenderness and affection, something deeper I wasn't ready to name but recognized anyway.

This wasn't just physical. Years of friendship turning into something more than either of us expected. Trust and vulnerability and finally, finally being seen for who I really was.

"Ryan," he groaned and that was it, hearing my name like that, desperate and broken, pushed me over.

We came together shaking and gasping, spilling over his hand and between our bodies. I held onto him like an anchor while waves of pleasure rolled through me, more intense than anything I'd ever felt alone. He buried his face in my neck and I felt his moan vibrate against my skin as he followed.

After we just lay there tangled together in the mess we'd made, sweaty and satisfied and grinning at each other like idiots. The narrow dorm bed really wasn't designed for two grown guys but neither of us wanted to move.

"So," Jake said eventually breaking the silence. "That happened."

I laughed, it surprised me. Even after all that he could still make me laugh. "Yeah. It definitely did."

"Any regrets?"

Turned to face him, tried to read his expression in the low light. That vulnerability was back, beneath all the post-orgasm glow. Uncertainty about what happens next. About us.

"Not a single one," I said honest. "You?"

His smile could have lit up the whole campus. "None. Not one. This was... you were..."

"Yeah," because I knew exactly what he meant. "I know."

"What does this mean?" he asked after a bit, hand tracing patterns on my hip. "For us?"

Didn't have a real answer. We were both new to this, being with guys, being with each other, this whole new territory we'd stumbled into together. There'd be questions to answer and conversations to have. Coming out was its own thing, something I hadn't even started thinking about before tonight.

But looking at Jake, my best friend and roommate and now something wonderfully terrifyingly more, I knew one thing for sure.

"I don't know exactly," I admitted. "But I know I don't want this to be a one time thing. I know I've had feelings for you way longer than I wanted to admit, even to myself. And I know that whatever this is I want to figure it out together."

"Same," relief all over his face. "Exactly the same. I've been falling for you for months Ryan. Maybe longer. I was just too scared to admit it."

He kissed me soft and sweet, different from before. This one was tender, full of promise, the beginning of something instead of just a moment.

"Then we figure it out together," he said. "Whatever that looks like."

We cleaned up eventually with tissues from my desk and talked about whether to share my tiny twin bed all night or go back to our own sides of the room. But the idea of being apart, even just ten feet apart, felt wrong after what we'd shared.

Made it work somehow, tangled together in a way that would probably leave us with sore necks in the morning. But falling asleep with Jake's arm around me and his breath warm on the back of my neck, I really couldn't care about that.

Before I drifted off he said one more thing.

"Hey Ryan?"

"Mmm?"

"Thanks for being brave enough to tell the truth."

I smiled in the dark and laced my fingers through his. "Thanks for asking the question."

That night was the start of everything. What started as curiosity turned into exploring, then dating, then something neither of us had words for yet. We kept it quiet at first, not because we were ashamed but because we wanted time to figure it out ourselves before dealing with everyone else's opinions.

Came out to our friends that spring, then our families over summer. Not everyone got it. Not everyone took it well. But we dealt with every hard conversation together and somehow that made even the worst moments okay.

Junior year we got a small apartment off campus where nobody cared if we shared a bed. Senior year we stopped pretending we were just roommates to anyone who asked. We graduated holding hands in front of our families and the photos from that day, both of us in caps and gowns grinning at each other like we'd won the lottery, they're still on our mantel.

Five years later I still wake up next to him every morning. Some nights when we're tangled together after making love in our own apartment in our own city far from that tiny dorm room, I think about that October night that changed everything. How scary it was to tell the truth. How worth it every moment of being vulnerable has been.

If you're reading this and you're scared, scared to admit what you're feeling or to take that first step or of what honesty might cost you, I hope you find the courage anyway. I hope you find your own Jake or become someone else's. I hope you figure out that the risk of being vulnerable is nothing compared to being truly known and loved for exactly who you are.

The closet is comfortable and familiar and safe. But there's a whole world outside it waiting. A world where you can hold hands in public and kiss goodnight without checking who's watching and build a life with someone who sees all of you and loves you anyway.

Take the risk. Tell the truth. It might just change your life.

It definitely changed mine.