Sexless Marriage: Understanding Causes and Finding Solutions

We have not had sex in fourteen months. I count because the absence has become a presence in our marriage. We share a bed. We parent our children together. We discuss finances and household tasks. But that part of our relationship has simply disappeared and we do not know how to talk about it.

This confession came from a client I worked with several years ago. Her experience is far from unique. Experts typically define a sexless marriage as having sex ten or fewer times per year. By this definition approximately 15-20 percent of marriages qualify. Many more couples experience significant decline from their earlier frequency without reaching the technical threshold.

The impact extends far beyond the physical. Sexual connection carries emotional weight. Its absence affects how partners feel about themselves each other and the relationship itself. Understanding why marriages become sexless and what can be done about it matters for millions of couples.

Defining the Problem

What Counts as Sexless

The ten-times-per-year threshold is somewhat arbitrary. What matters more than absolute numbers is whether one or both partners are dissatisfied with the frequency. A couple having sex monthly might be perfectly content. A couple having sex weekly might feel deprived relative to their desires.

The relative change also matters. Going from twice weekly to twice monthly feels like significant loss even if twice monthly seems adequate in absolute terms.

Mutual vs One-Sided

Some couples are mutually content with little or no sex. If both partners genuinely prefer minimal sexual activity there is no problem to solve. The issue arises when one partner wants more than the other provides or when both want more but neither initiates.

Understanding whether the low frequency reflects mutual preference or asymmetric desire matters for identifying solutions.

Common Causes

Sexless marriages develop for varied reasons. Often multiple factors combine.

Life Stage Pressures

Young children exhaust parents. Career demands consume energy. Caring for aging parents adds stress. These life stage pressures leave little capacity for sexual connection. The marriage may be fundamentally healthy but circumstances prevent expression.

Medical Issues

Physical health problems affect sexual function and desire. Hormonal changes including menopause and testosterone decline alter libido. Medications for depression blood pressure and other conditions commonly suppress sexual interest. Chronic pain conditions make sexual activity uncomfortable.

These medical factors deserve attention because they are often treatable. What appears to be relationship issue may actually be health issue with medical solution.

Mental Health

Depression kills desire. Anxiety prevents the relaxation arousal requires. Trauma can make intimacy feel unsafe. Stress of any kind diverts resources from sexual interest.

Mental health treatment can restore sexual function that seems lost. This path is often more effective than focusing on sex directly.

Relationship Issues

Unresolved conflict suppresses desire. Resentment accumulated over years poisons attraction. Feeling criticized or controlled by a partner makes vulnerability impossible. Emotional distance reduces interest in physical closeness.

These relationship dynamics require relationship-level intervention. The sex will not improve until the underlying issues are addressed.

Desire Discrepancy

Partners rarely have identical sex drives. One wanting more than the other is normal. Problems arise when this discrepancy is not managed well. The higher desire partner may stop initiating to avoid rejection. The lower desire partner may feel pressured and withdraw further. The dynamic spirals.

Physical Changes

Body changes affect sexual confidence. Weight gain. Aging. Surgical changes. Disease effects. Feeling unattractive inhibits sexual openness. If one partner no longer desires their own body they may assume their partner shares this view.

Porn and Masturbation

When one partner satisfies sexual needs alone the drive toward partnered sex may diminish. If porn use creates unrealistic expectations the real partner may seem inadequate. These patterns deserve examination when diagnosing sexless marriage.

Affair Aftermath

Infidelity damages sexual trust. Even when couples stay together sexual intimacy may not survive. The betrayed partner may be unable to feel safe in sexual vulnerability. The offending partner may avoid sex to avoid triggering reminders.

Routine and Boredom

Long-term relationships can fall into patterns that kill novelty. Same time. Same place. Same activities. The excitement fades and with it the motivation to engage.

The Impact

Sexual absence affects relationships in multiple ways.

Emotional Distance

Physical intimacy creates emotional connection for many people. When sex disappears emotional distance often follows. Partners feel more like roommates than lovers.

Resentment

The partner wanting more sex often feels rejected and resentful. The partner wanting less often feels pressured and resentful. Both accumulate grievances.

Self-Esteem

Being rejected sexually hurts. Over time repeated rejection damages self-worth. The rejected partner may question their attractiveness desirability and value.

Infidelity Risk

Sexless marriages correlate with higher infidelity rates. Partners may seek elsewhere what they cannot find at home. This is not excuse but reality to acknowledge.

Relationship Satisfaction

Sexual satisfaction predicts overall relationship satisfaction. When sex disappears relationship quality typically declines even in other areas.

Breaking the Silence

Many couples in sexless marriages do not discuss it. Breaking this silence is essential first step.

Acknowledging the Reality

Simply naming what is happening opens possibility. We have not had sex in months. I notice we never have sex anymore. Our intimate life has disappeared. Stating the obvious can feel vulnerable but enables addressing it.

Avoiding Blame

Framing the discussion as shared problem rather than individual fault creates better conditions for solutions. We have a problem versus You have a problem. The former invites collaboration. The latter invites defense.

Expressing Feelings

Share how the absence affects you. I miss feeling close to you. I feel rejected when we never have sex. I am worried about our relationship. Emotional honesty creates connection that pure logistics cannot.

Listening Without Defense

If your partner raises the issue listen without immediately defending or explaining. Their experience matters. Understanding their perspective fully before responding improves chances of resolution.

Professional Facilitation

When direct conversation feels impossible or unproductive a therapist can facilitate. Couples counselors and sex therapists specialize in helping partners communicate about difficult topics.

Finding Solutions

Solutions depend on causes. Diagnosing correctly matters.

Medical Intervention

If physical health issues contribute medical treatment may help. Hormone therapy for menopausal symptoms or testosterone decline. Medication adjustment for drugs suppressing desire. Treatment for pain conditions or other physical barriers. Start with your doctor.

Mental Health Treatment

Depression and anxiety respond to treatment. Therapy medications or both can restore capacity for intimacy that mental illness has suppressed. This is often essential foundation before other interventions work.

Relationship Repair

If underlying relationship issues drive the sexlessness those require attention. Couples therapy to address communication patterns conflict resolution and emotional connection. The sex will not improve until the relationship does.

Desire Discrepancy Management

When desire levels differ couples can develop compromises. Scheduled sex ensures the higher desire partner's needs are considered. The lower desire partner's boundaries are respected. Both agree to frequency that neither finds ideal but both can live with.

Understanding responsive versus spontaneous desire also helps. The lower desire partner may not feel spontaneous desire but can develop arousal once stimulation begins. Working with responsive desire changes the approach.

Removing Pressure

Pressure to have sex often backfires. Taking penetrative sex off the table temporarily can paradoxically increase intimacy. Sensate focus exercises where couples touch without genital contact or orgasm goal reduce performance anxiety and rebuild physical comfort.

Rebuilding Slowly

After extended absence jumping back to full sexual activity rarely works. Gradual rebuilding through non-sexual touch then sensual touch then sexual touch creates comfortable progression.

Introducing Novelty

If boredom contributes introducing new elements helps. Different settings. Different activities. Different times. Toys. Erotic content. Breaking patterns reintroduces excitement.

Listening to audio erotica together on platforms like Blushcast can spark conversation about desires and provide novel shared experience without requiring immediate physical activity. Sometimes talking about fantasies inspired by stories opens doors to trying new things together.

Quality Over Quantity

Rather than focusing on frequency focus on quality. One deeply connecting sexual encounter monthly may satisfy more than frequent perfunctory ones. Prioritizing meaningful sex over meeting numerical targets changes the goal.

When One Partner Wants Change More

Often one partner identifies the sexless state as problem while the other seems content. This asymmetry complicates solutions.

Understanding Their Perspective

The apparently content partner may not actually be content. They may have given up. They may have suppressed desire to avoid rejection. They may be addressing needs elsewhere through porn or affair. Apparent contentment deserves investigation.

Alternatively they may genuinely have low desire. Understanding whether this reflects their natural baseline or is response to circumstances matters.

Making Your Needs Clear

The partner wanting change should express this clearly. I need more physical intimacy in our relationship. This is important to me. Our current situation is not sustainable for me. Clarity about stakes can motivate the other partner to engage.

Avoiding Coercion

Pressuring unwilling partners into sex creates worse problems. Coerced sex damages trust and often reduces rather than increases future willingness. Consent must be genuine.

Considering Alternatives

If one partner genuinely does not want sex and the other genuinely needs it difficult conversations about alternatives may be necessary. Ethical non-monogamy works for some couples. Others conclude incompatibility and separate. These are not first resort but deserve consideration when other approaches fail.

Professional Resources

Various professionals can help with sexless marriages.

Sex Therapists

Certified sex therapists specialize in sexual issues. They address both psychological and relational factors. AASECT certification indicates specialized training.

Couples Counselors

General couples therapy addresses relationship dynamics that affect sexuality. Emotionally focused therapy and Gottman method are evidence-based approaches.

Physicians

Primary care doctors can evaluate medical factors. Referrals to endocrinologists urologists or gynecologists may follow depending on issues identified.

Psychiatrists

When mental health conditions contribute psychiatrists can assess and treat. Medication management for depression or anxiety may restore sexual function.

Self-Help Approaches

Beyond professional help couples can try several approaches independently.

Scheduled Intimacy

Setting regular times for intimate connection even if not initially feeling desire. Showing up creates opportunity for desire to emerge.

Date Nights

Regular time focused on the relationship rather than logistics or parenting. Maintaining romantic context supports sexual connection.

Physical Affection

Rebuilding non-sexual physical affection. Holding hands. Hugging. Cuddling. Physical contact that does not lead to sex rebuilds comfort with touch.

Reading and Learning

Books on sexuality and relationships provide frameworks and exercises. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski on desire. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel on long-term passion. The resources exist.

Open Conversation

Ongoing dialogue about sex desires and the relationship. Making discussion normal rather than avoided. The couples who talk about sex have more of it.

Realistic Expectations

Change takes time. Relationships built over years do not transform in weeks. Setting realistic expectations prevents discouragement.

Progress Not Perfection

Movement in positive direction matters more than reaching specific goals. Monthly sex after years of none represents significant improvement even if weekly was the original hope.

Setbacks Are Normal

Progress is rarely linear. Stress periods cause temporary regression. Accepting this prevents concluding that all effort was wasted.

Different May Be Good

The sex life you rebuild may not resemble what you had before. That is not failure. It may actually be better suited to who you both are now.

When to Consider Separation

Not all sexless marriages should be saved. Some situations warrant considering separation.

Consistent Refusal to Engage

If one partner refuses to acknowledge the problem discuss solutions or participate in treatment despite the other's clear expression of need the marriage may be functionally over regardless of legal status.

Fundamental Incompatibility

Some desire discrepancies are too large to bridge. One partner may truly need frequent sex for wellbeing. The other may find sex aversive. Neither is wrong but they may be wrong for each other.

When Other Issues Dominate

Sexlessness is sometimes symptom of relationship that should end for other reasons. Abuse. Contempt. Complete disconnection. The absence of sex may be the least of the problems.

Preventing Sexlessness

Couples not yet in sexless state can take preventive measures.

Prioritize Sex

Make sex a priority rather than afterthought. Protect time and energy for it. Do not let it fall off the list consistently.

Maintain Communication

Keep talking about sex throughout the relationship. What you want. What is working. What is not. Ongoing dialogue prevents problems from festering.

Address Issues Early

When frequency starts declining address it promptly. Small problems are easier to solve than entrenched patterns developed over years.

Stay Connected

Maintain emotional and physical connection through life's demands. Date nights. Affection. Conversation. The infrastructure of intimate relationship requires maintenance.

Final Thoughts

Sexless marriages are common but not inevitable. Many result from addressable causes medical psychological or relational. Couples willing to examine what is happening and work toward change can often rebuild sexual connection.

The path requires honesty about the problem. Communication without blame. Willingness to seek help when needed. Patience with gradual progress. These are not easy things but they are possible things.

Sex is not the only important element in marriage but it is an important one for most couples. Its absence signals problems that deserve attention for their own sake and for what they indicate about the relationship overall.

If your marriage has become sexless and this distresses you take it seriously. The situation will not resolve through ignoring. But with attention and effort many couples find their way back to intimate connection. Your marriage might be one of them.